Two and 5 years later: Still moving forward (at a snail’s pace)

It is 5 a.m. on April 2, 2015, and I had a brilliant idea – to start a blog to purge my mind and write about the many issues flowing through it. To my surprise, when trying to set up the site “keepmovingforward8888.wordpress.com”, I was reminded that I had already set up the site “strokesurvivingmom.wordpress.com” 2 years ago. My great mind thinks alike – it follows the path of its past incarnations. It just doesn’t remember yesterday.

Therefore, although much and little has changed in the past two years, I will continue this blog, perhaps because it has a catchy name and perhaps in deference to my 5-year stroke survival anniversary, which will occur on April 17, 2015.

I wince at my attempts, with both the site name and the first and only writing posted here from two years ago, to capitalize on my personal hardship. As much as I wish and wanted to believe that surviving a stroke was a miraculous event that changed me forever, it didn’t. I still whine a lot. I worry and stress out about the unimportant all the time. I still cry over everything. I still lose my temper easily. I am still lazy, fat, and unmotivated. I am not grateful for my survival every day – or even most days. I did not take the once-in-the-lifetime opportunity to learn great lessons from my survival.

One of my favorite movies of all time, a Disney movie called “Meet the Robinsons,” which I watched for the first time around the time of my stroke, has a great song in it at the end, called “Little Wonders” by Rob Thomas. I played this song throughout my stroke drama, and it still makes me cry, and is so true. The meaning of these words is perhaps the only lesson I have taken away after my stroke. I get it – just working on implementing it. Here are is a link to the song for a listen (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHlFwfoO4K4) and below are the lyrics:

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

, and below are the lyrics:

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don’t mind
If it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by,
It’s the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain

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Beginnings

I am a thirty-seven-year-old stay-at-home mom. I have two children. A little over three years ago, four days after the birth of my second child, I had a massive stroke. The doctors told me at the time that most people who had a stroke like mine ended up paralyzed or dead. I walked out of the hospital two days later.

As I write my first official post for this blog, I am struck by the miraculous nature of this enterprise. For starters, that I am alive to even do this is, in itself, miraculous. Almost equally amazing is the fact that my children are sleeping soundly, and there is a peaceful moment to collect thoughts of any sensible nature.

Miracles aside, I am extremely grateful for the privilege of writing in this blog. It has been a dream of the past three years to share my terrors and triumphs with the world at large, and through this medium perhaps reach others like myself who, at a young age, were knocked sideways, backwards, and sometimes flat by unusual health circumstances and, forever altered, had to learn how to reclaim their lives.

I fully expect the majority of these posts to reach an audience of one – my husband – but I have hopes that someday, at the very least, this blog will act as a journal for our children, and give them some sense of what occurred, how it changed me, how it didn’t, and what I learned. At most, maybe this will be seen by and help one stranger out there – someone else who experienced similar circumstances, and who is trying to make sense of their survival.